Club Totti

OF COURSE most of us have known it all our lives, or at least since we were about 12. Pornography is art. Much as I love the works of Picasso, Van Gough, Magritte and many others there is nothing as visually compelling as a naked woman.

Of course they all new that as well, it’s the subject of a new exhibition at the Barbican in London; Seduced: Art and Sex from Antiquity to Now. The exhibition runs untill 27 January 2008 and looks at the representation of sex in art through the ages.

The works span 2,000 years so it must be art eh? It includes Roman sculptures, Indian manuscripts, Japanese prints, Chinese watercolours, Renaissance and Baroque paintings and 19th century photography with modern and contemporary art.

It presents the work of around 70 artists including Nobuyoshi Araki, Francis Bacon, Jeff Koons, Robert Mapplethorpe, Pablo Picasso, Rembrandt van Rijn and Andy Warhol among others.

The exhibition explores the idea of copulation as recreation a concept that is unique to human beings and bonobo, or pygmy chimpanzees.

Of course the chimps have no concept of guilt. They just fuck whenever, wherever and with whoever they feel like so the concept of porn never crossed their minds. But we humans have had to balance desire with religion and other control systems. Thus the need to escape to a quiet place with a few smutty pictures and a firm right hand.

THE GIRL next door will always hold a special in my heart, we grew up together, went down to the canal and caught tadpoles together. Sometimes they grew legs and hopped away. Sometimes the cat ate them. Then one day I looked at her and she was different. She’d grown up. So had I. I knew this because something in my trousers told me so.

So I’d go of and play football with the guys. We’d walk past the laundromat on the way back. Quite often they’d be in there, chatting. They’d giggle as we walked past but if I went in and said hello she’d turn red and look at her feet.

She was changing, she had tits now. I knew all about tits, I’d seen them in a magazine. I really wanted to see hers. They weren’t as big as the ones in the magazine but I didn’t care. I wanted to feel them on the palm of my hand.

I used to get hard-ons in class from thinking about her. Exams were the worst, she was always there, naked in my mind. I’d never actually seen her naked though, it was just her face on the bodies of magazine girls.

I turned 18 that winter, she the following spring. Then the summer came, the exams were over. She came round to my house for the first time in years, she came to tell me she’d be going to university in the Autumn. She was going up north. I’d be heading south.

“We haven’t been down to the old railway by the canal for ages,” she said.

“Do you want to to go now?” I asked. We talked a lot on the way, we sounded like grown ups. When we got there she said she had something in her eye, I leaned forward to have a look …

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Well I never thought I’d find myself quoting Oprah but in this case I thought it was prudent to do so. According to Oprah, or rather according to Dr Oz who was presumably a guest on her show, if you have more than 200 orgasms a year, you can reduce your physiologic age by six years.

It’s true!, it was on Oprah. Here send this link anonymously to your wives and girlfriends: http://www.oprah.com/health/oz/
oz_20070515_350_111.jhtml . I won’t make it an active link, she might get pissed at me sending hundreds of horny porn hunters over there. Just cut and paste the italics.

Now, according to Dr Oz, “…having sex with someone that you care for deeply is one of the ways we achieve that Zen experience that we all crave as human beings. It’s really a spiritual event for folks when they’re with someone they love and they can consummate it with sexual activity.”

And I agree entirely, I care for all my partners deeply. Even the one night stands.

Now this got me thinking. If I apply the threesome+ pleasure ratio that I discussed in The Math of Sex article here, and take myself to the Darling Massage Parlour for happy hour four afternoons a week I could notch up over 400 already. If I then add in casual sex and a liberal sprinkling of bargirls and I could get the total over 600 easily. Thus reducing my age by 18 years. That would make me a very eligible bachelor indeed.

Click on the picture of Dido to see her naked.

Anybody who remebers my previous post on the mathematics of sex will already know that joining in the fun with all three of these girls would be nine times better than if you were to restrict yourself to just one of them.

Watching this little masturbation orgy might help you get the idea. It really made me want to dive down in there and help them out.